When I was a little girl I always had to be mindful of what I said, what I did, even what my facial expressions were because any and all transgressions would be met with a swift slap across the face or worse. My Mother was a  very volatile, hyper critical West Indian woman who seemed to be always angry about something. There were times when she was warm and fun and engaging ,but those times were few and far between. They could also descend very quickly into me being in trouble and getting a beating or a slap. So I very rarely said what I really meant or let any emotions show on my face. I could be seething inside or want to go into my room and hide but outwardly I was the picture of obedience. This may sound pretty horrible and in many ways it was but my childhood also had my wonderful Grandmother and my sister and a host of Aunts, Uncles, and cousins to balance out the crazy. I learned to ADJUST myself to maintain the balance in my house to keep myself out of trouble. I learned not to react, not to say what I really felt, not to show interest in things that were not important to my Mother, to not want things I really should have wanted, to always consider the emotional state of others before my own and adjust accordingly to keep the peace. 

Eventually I discovered that this training would be very useful when I matured and entered the workplace. I am incredibly good at determining a person’s emotional state and intentions which has kept me out of some ridiculous situations and helped me become very successful in my career. But as I have gotten older it is becoming harder and harder to continue to adjust for others. I don’t want to worry about how anyone will feel if I say or do something they may not like. I just want to say it and the hell with the consequences. This of course probably won’t go over very well but what can I do. During a discussion with my daughter about a conversation I wanted to have with her Father,She told me that I might want to begin by speaking to him as if I really wanted to understand his perspective as opposed to talking to him as if I already knew his perspective and had decided it was stupid! As you can guess I was insulted! But my Daughter and I can really speak honestly to each other (she has never had to adjust – she is truly her own person) so I told her that I was insulted. But I also told her that she was right about my intentions. I had to check myself and admit that I was not being honest with my feelings but I resented having to adjust myself to make the conversation more palatable for him. I have been doing this my whole life and I just want to be me- or whoever I am at that moment. I wondered if adjusting yourself to keep the BALANCE is what we all do so that we can fit in and get along. Do we pick and choose the times when we can be fully ourselves or are we never fully ourselves? I think sometimes that maybe my Mother had to adjust herself to keep the balance when she was a child and all her anger was about that. She never adjusted to keep the BALANCE as an adult. She told it like it was at all times -usually loudly with her favorite curse word lovingly sprinkled in for emphasis. I wonder who I will be when I grow up.